Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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