You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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