I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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