Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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