enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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