There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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