I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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