I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
