she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You ruined the universe
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
