i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
