I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
