Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
