Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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