when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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