Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
