i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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