Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
