pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
