direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
