Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
