Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
