So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
