I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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