Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
