Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
