Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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