Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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