I think my fart just growled at me.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just want nice things and good sex
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
