I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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