is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It was confusing and full of hummus
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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