So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
