I haven't been this sober since birth.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
