Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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