My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Randomize
