My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
