I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
