never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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