In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Randomize
