My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
