Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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