So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
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