then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
