we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
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Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
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Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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