I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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