i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
