Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
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