Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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