have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
