Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
