as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
