I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Randomize
