Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
