I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Did you pee in the oven last night??
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
