How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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