remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
