Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
