hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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