yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
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