thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
