i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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