she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
sex in a hospital.. check
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
